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A few thoughts on age and poly.

Hello there, my name's Rick and I'm new to this community. I'm not new to poly, but I haven't participated in the wider poly community before now. Just my luck that this particular LJ community appears to be dead... though the fact that it sees so little activity bears directly on what I wanted to post about.

It appears to me that the majority of the more outspoken members of the poly community, those active here on LJ as well as those visible elsewhere online, tend to be older individuals. I haven't gotten a real sense of exactly how old, though 45+ feels like a good guess. That's not to say that there aren't younger people active in the online poly community, just that by and large older people seem to predominate. (Just so I'm clear, I do not mean to attach value judgments to either "younger" or "older." I know these terms can be sensitive to some, but I promise I'm not trying to denigrate or elevate anyone based on their age.)

I'm curious about this for a number of reasons, not least of which is the fact that I'm 28 and it seems like an uphill climb to find anyone in my age range and level of life experience. It can be intimidating to try to enter the poly community and feel like the odd one out. Which I guess is one reason people started this community, to make that outreach and sense of being part of a likeminded group easier to find... though that doesn't seem to be working out very well. :)

One hypothesis I have is that people move toward poly after a lot of experience -- you have to learn what works for you through trial and error, and that takes time. Another hypothesis is sociological in nature, namely that people of my generation (and younger) tend to be more sexually conservative because of the AIDS epidemic and the political rise of the religious right. A third (and more hopeful) hypothesis is that poly people my age are out there, but for various reasons don't feel the urge to aggregate into online communities and have brunch meetings about it. Perhaps they don't choose to identify themselves as "poly" or any other label, and choose relationships based simply on what works for them.

If there are any younger poly people still here, what are your thoughts and experiences? Do you find yourself the odd duck out in the wider poly community, or am I mistaken? How do you feel the poly experience is different for you than it would be for, say, a 50 year old? I think that "knowing what you want" is a quality too few younger people possess, which has definitely derailed a couple of my poly relationships in the past. Do you find that younger poly people can struggle with this? Do some young people jump onto poly as a "fad," and abandon it once the work involved becomes clear?

Hopefully one or two of you still read this. I look forward to your thoughts!

Looking for Interview with Poly Women

I am looking to interview women between the ages of 18-35 who identify as polyamorous. Women from a diversity of races/ethnicities, social class backgrounds, and gender/sexual identities are especially welcome. Participants must be currently living in the U.S. All interviews will be conducted via e-mail.

All participants will be entered into a lottery to win one of five $15 gift certificates to either Amazon.com or Barnes and Noble.

This is a research study being conducted as part of a Master’s thesis through San Diego State University. Your participation would be voluntary. You will be asked questions about your experiences with polyamory and its role in your life.

If interested, please contact Sarah Wheeler at swheeler@rohan.sdsu.edu with a short description about yourself (age, race/ethnicity, class, sexual orientation, etc.) and your current or most recent polyamorous relationship. I am happy to answer any questions you have. Thank you for your interest!

(Mods, please let me know if this isn't allowed, and I'll happily delete. Thanks!)
'Love' encompasses a wide range of emotions. Any variant of love is characterized by a feeling of 'softness'. There are 2 component emotions, which can act either alone or in combination, to produce love. Those component emotions are oneness and humility.

In a love relationship, the emotion of oneness, if it is present in the relationship, causes the behaviors of telling eachother everything about oneself and one's recent events, always telling the truth, not keeping secrets, and doing everything together or otherwise always keeping in contact. The emotion of oneness can also be detected in the tone of voice when in the company of eachother.

In a love relationship, the emotion of humility, if it is present in the relationship, causes a gentle weakness in one's regard to eachother, and this is expressed both in one's demeanor toward eachother and in one's manner of affection. One behavior that humility is conducive to is bowing, though this of course is not a behavior that is associated with love relationships, though there is the antiquated behavior of bowing while kissing a woman on the back of the hand.

Exclusive monoamory is based upon egotistical dominant-territorialism, which is the opposite of humility. Therefore, people whose love is of the exclusive monoamorous sort can not incorporate humility into their love, but only oneness. It must be noted that one's egotism is only frustrated when one shares one's partner(s) with other people, not when oneself has multiple partners. Even among polyamorists, polygyny is somewhat more common than polyandry, because males are the more egotistical gender on the average.

Dominant egotism does not always express itself in a given particular way, such that there is some chance that a given egotistical person shares (or is willing to share) one's love partner(s) with others. For example, egotism, when combined with oneness, causes the behavior of libellously ascribing egotism to the logical behavior of acknowledging fundamental definitions and distinctions between different ways of living or beliefs. -That is an egotistical behavior that is sometimes displayed by polyamorists.

It is likely though that a given person that shares one's partner(s) lacks dominant egotism. That would allow such a person to use humility as a component of their love, or to use love that is purely humility-derived, such that it does not incorporate oneness at all.

Seeking Poly Family for TV


I am a television producer and written and produced television series for Travel Channel, History Channel, and PBS. Currently, I am interested in doing a show on a polyamorous family, in particular one that is expecting a birth in the next 6 to 9 months.


I believe that when you utilize television to raise awareness about any subject that is considered out of the mainstream, you must begin in a place of mutual understanding. Therefore, I am looking for a very special family, one that will allow the world a realistic view into the loving, complex lifestyle of polyamory.


This is a very real opportunity. The idea has been sold, we just need to find the right family. If this is something you would like to pursue, or you know someone that would make a great candidate, please contact me. In addition, I make no mistake in realizing that the best conceptual guide for a show about polyamory is the poly community itself. That being said, I welcome any comments, suggestions, warnings, and encouragement.


Thanks for your time.

Study on Polyamorous Relationships

I am a graduate student at the University of Utah.  We are conducting a study on polyamorous relationships and would like to invite you to participate.  I have included a short blurb below.  Please feel free to visit the website for more information or contact me if you have any questions or feedback.
Participants sought for a study on polyamorous relationships.  Until now, relationship researchers have focused almost exclusively on monogamous relationships.  Researchers in psychology at the University of Utah are interested in studying diverse relationship forms in order to improve our understanding of close relationships.  We are looking for adults (age 18+), who practice polyamory (open and honest non-monogamy), and are currently in two or more romantic/sexual relationships.  The study consists of two online surveys completed 6 months apart.  Each survey will take about one hour.  All participants will be financially compensated.  If you are interested in participating or would like to learn more about the study, please visit the following website: http://research1.psych.utah.edu/study/polyamory/

(Note: The above is a new link which should work better than the old link.  Please let me know if you have any problems with it.)
X-posted to polyamory

So… I’m Katy, and I’m new here. *waves* I was looking around lj for poly resources, and I was very glad to find some. I guess what I really want is advice on my current relationship, because I don’t know that it’s going very well. My situation is long and complicated (whose isn’t?) so I’ll put it behind a cut.

I guess I’m just want advice, or commiseration from anyone who has “been there before.” How do you deal with this type of stuff, especially when one of your partners is literally halfway around the world? I don’t know that my problems are particularly unique, but they’re ones I’ve never dealt with before. Anyone have any advice to offer?


Um, I'm not really sure if it's okay for me to post on here; I've been having some relationship problems lately, and even though I'm not really in a poly relationship at the moment, I'm starting to think it would be better if I were. I can't seem to feel comfortable with one person. Gosh, that makes me feel horrible. 
I hope I didn't upset anyone.  

Introduction and Story

Hello! I just found this group and figured I could at least make a post and say "Hello!". So, that's what I'm doing.

I'm currently in one closed relationship with two partners (M&F) that is long distance (oh the fun). They're both still in University in Canada and I live in Oregon, where I grew up. Fun angst to be had by all as I try to figure out if and how I can move up there again for good some day (I want to college there). At least I'll get to go see them both next week for Thanksgiving.

M (male) and I dated for about two and a half years before both admitting to each other that we were in love with A (female), as well. Great fun ensued as we first invited her to be with us physically (she'd had a crush on me for several years before this) and then, when she was in Oregon for that visit, we both confessed to her that we were both in love with her. A was a self-defined lesbian since she was 14 and it took a lot for her to be open to the idea of perhaps having a relationship with M as well as with me. They'd been spending a lot of time together and getting really close since I'd left school last June. things are really good now, though.

It's taken some adjustment on her part (and all of ours, really), but we're so much happier because of it. I really couldn't imagine being in a more supportive, loving, wonderful relationship and just hope that someday (preferably sooner rather than later) it won't have to be a long distance love and I can be there with them both all the time.

That's my story! (It was a little more angsty than I make it out to be in parts, mostly due to a few friends who were really uncomfortable with the idea and tried to make a lot of drama. Things settled down, though, and pretty much we're not really caring what anyone says, because we're just that happy together! :P ) So... Hello! :)
So, I recently moved back in with the parents after being gone for three and a half years, I am 20 now. The reason I moved in is because my husband and I separated; although my boyfriend and I are still together and very happy. Trying to explain to my parents that my boyfriend had nothing to do with my marriage not working has been difficult. (I do want to say that they have still allowed boyfriend to live in the house too.) They blame the poly for being why husband and I didn't work out and now I don't feel comfortable telling them about my relationship with my girlfriend. Is this an issue for anyone else? Having to deal with parents and poly because you still live with them or they are more involved in your lives than perhaps older poly individuals who are more independent.


Hello people,
   As one of those shy new members, I thought I'd stop lurking and introduce myself. I'm 24, live in the UK, am gay and in my first poly-type relationship. It's been a mad 12 months, which has seen me going from happily single, to having two lovely girlfriends. I get the impression that my entry into this situation is perhaps unorthodox, if such a notion applies to polyamory. I've never really felt a strong pull to having multiple partners, which many people seem to have. Also, I've ended up in some kind of crazy quad in a manner I can only describe as arse about face.

To summarise briefly: I've been good friends with a couple for about 6 years now. Originally went to uni with E (the boy half), and met his g/f of 10 years, S, through him. About 18 months ago it became apparent that S and I were very strongly attracted to each other. Cue Shakespearean tragedy: "We can't!" "We mustn't!" "We shouldn't!"....eventually what we did do was come clean to E about our feelings, and he was very supportive. They agreed to open up their relationship and me and S were officially an item. Obviously it wasn't *quite* that simple, but it was the start of something. A little while after things had settled down, I met K, who instead of being freaked out when I told her I had a g/f, was very intrigued. About three months after we got together I had to go to the US for a month to study. While I was away, she and E realised they fancied each other - and while I initially felt quite pissed off about it all (behind my back, no discussion, etc., etc.) it seems to be self-organising itself out of chaos and into something quite nice. Anyway, that's my story.

I don't really know anyone in 'real life' who has any positive experiences of anything poly. Pretty much all of my friends are so overly concerned about me (read 'convinced I'm going insane and this is going to be a total disaster')  that it's actually quite hard talking to them about the day to day upsets. And as lovely as S, K and E are, sometimes it's nice to sound off to people who are not so closely entangled in it all, just to get some perspective. Anyway, I've enjoyed reading other people's posts so far...I look forward to sharing some more stories of my own in the future.